Ambition

Ambition-a. an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power
b. desire to achieve a particular end
~Merriam-Webster Dictionary
  
A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive.
Pearl Bailey
   
    I am 24 years old, and I lack ambition. But I have the ambition to find my ambition. Doesn't make sense does it? Sometimes I consider myself a flip floper. No it does not have anything to do with politics, as John Kerry was called during the 2004 presidential election. I am a flip floper because one minute I want to do this, or be this, and the next minute I want to do something else.
     When I was a kid, I had this a light green water pistol with a orange trigger. That's what the pistol might have looked like to you. But to me, it was a Glock, and I was out to shoot any bad guy that looked at me crooked. My room turned into a drug house where men and teenage boys were producing and distrubuting crack, weed, crystal meth. You name it, they had it. And my dresser drawer was the wall next to the open door frame that I had my back against with my gun raised, ready for a shoot out. I poked my head out to see how many there were, and in a quick glimpse, I see that I'm spotted. I pull back the trigger, close my eyes, and take a deep breath as I hear footsteps running towards my direction. I opened my eyes, then....I'm bored. The Glock turned back to the light green water pistol with the orange trigger. I put it away where it collected dust for the next several years.
    In the 5th and 6th grade I played the violin. I wasn't good at it, but I still enjoyed it. So naturally, my day dreams  placed me in the New York Philharmonic, 1st chair, playing a beautiful solo piece that made women and men weep. One night I was watching KET and a orchestra was playing. My mother was in the room talking on the phone, and not caring who was on the other end, I turned to her and said, "That's what I want to do." And she responded, "That's good."
    By 7th grade I was in band. Instead of having the dream of performing in some kind of band with my clarinet, I turned my attention to becoming a psychologist where the dream stuck with me all the way to my second semester of college. A long time to dream, right? During my senior year of high school, I took psychology with Llyod Harris, one of the best teachers I have ever had. He was the kind of teacher that everyone liked. Smart, funny, and not afraid to remind you that his fourth wife is his favorite. The best thing about him was that with every lesson, he had a relevant story to keep us interested. Some were funny, others were hard to hear without tearing up. So I figured psychology is what I want to do. I've learned so much from a great teacher, and I couldn't wait to learn more in college. Dr. Edna Ross's Psychology 201 lecture. I was taught by one woman with nearly 300 students. What was I thinking? She isn't Mr. Harris. What's with taking quizzes with iClickers and the study group class where you took tests in? It shook my foundation, but I pressed toward to pursue my dream of becoming a great pyschologist in the counseling field, working at the Bellevue Hospital in New York City. Then I took cognitve psychology my second semester of my freshman year. My final grade is what destroyed my foundation, and I never thought of becoming a psychologist ever again.
    Over the next three years of college, I wanted to be a philosopher (where are those jobs?), then a stage actress, stage manager (encountered a lot of stuck up theatre people), and lastly, a paralegal. That is what I have my Associate Degree in. As of course, the classes made the paralegal field very interesting. My internship led me to believe this could be my career.  In December of 2009, I recieved my degree, and was told by the head of the paralegal department that if I needed a job recommendation, she'd be happy to send one. So I was on my way to pursue the career of a paralegal, which field, it didn't matter. I looked on websites such as martindale.com, careerbuilder.com, monster.com, and even craigslist.com. Newspapers and job ads from the local grocery store piled into my room. I had very few interviews with the same silent result. I began to lose faith that I would finally become an adult with an adult job. A conversation with my mom was probably the final blow. She told me the reason why I couldn't find a job was because I just had an Associate's degree. Bachelor Degrees is where you'll find the jobs. I didn't want to listen to her. If no one with an Associate's could find a job, then why have the choice of pursuing it? Also, it just didn't make sense. Shouldn't any college degree be just fine for a job? Apparently not. As time went on, and I still could not find anything, my mother's words slowly began to cement itself in my memory. Soon, I was no longer interested in becoming a paralegal.
    Maybe I give up to easily. After all these weren't dreams too far out of reach. I could have been a police officer, violinist, psychologist or a paralegal. But deep down inside, I know the true reason. I just didn't want to put forth the effort. I'm not like the clown that comes right back up after being knocked down. I am my own worst enemy. When something gets too hard, or even if I tell myself I can't do it, I leave it alone in my memory never to take seriously again. But now I am a mother to a goregous 2 month old named Elliot. I can't just sit around waiting for the next "brilliant" thing to pop into my head. Though the flavor of the month is being a work at home mom writing blogs, hoping someone will read them (and offer me a job ;) ). So for now, my ambition is to find my abition. What is it that I really want to do? What will make me happy? What will get me out of my parent's house? Finding my ambition will be like searching for treasures on a beach with a metal detector. It may take time, but it'll happen.